the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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