Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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