I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
