mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
