On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
