it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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