You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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