you traded sex for a burrito?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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