I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
nutella sex= disaster
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
