YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
