The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
