Just fell off a train. Bad.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
