Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
