Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
