your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Randomize
