she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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