She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
