I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
