Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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