He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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