I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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