Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
