True but thats because hes a fetus.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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