At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
