dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
