She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
