In the future we'll all be gay
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
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