dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
