my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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