Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
