wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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