I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
