Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
