she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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