**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
