Too much gin, very little bucket
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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