she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Everyone says I win the strip club
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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