On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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