We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
