Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
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