I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
