and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
