I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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