In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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