why didn't you poke me back
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
