are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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