Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Houston, we have a blender
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
