i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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