my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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