i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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