I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
