Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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