just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
