i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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