my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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