She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
