Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
