Plan B is the new Plan A
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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