i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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