In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I did not marry a roomba.
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