I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
