Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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