my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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