Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
