he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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