The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
