I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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