exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
