In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
