Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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