so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
