good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
