you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
